Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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