she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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