Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
