You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
