his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
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he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
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I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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