Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
