it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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