i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
