She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
