i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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