Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
