Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
