I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
