Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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