Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
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If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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