Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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