dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It's blow job season.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
