This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
