You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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