the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
