I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i will never coherently bang her
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
