I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
