Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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