he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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