The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
