I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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