I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
