i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
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I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
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This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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