I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
