I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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