Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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