i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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