Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
