i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
