My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
