walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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