two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
