Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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