Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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