the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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