found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
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Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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