This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
