he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
love makes seman taste better
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
