I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
even my farts smell like vagina
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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