I'm so fucking centered right now
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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