toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
