So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
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After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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