Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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