Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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