My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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