I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
