how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
