I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
