Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
