she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
