Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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