Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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