i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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