I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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