plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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