dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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