At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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