Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
