I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
