I have demons in me.
just tell him i said nine months
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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